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COLIN: What if I did have feelings for you?

PENELOPE: What?

COLIN: I have spent so long trying to feel less, trying to be the kind of man society expects to me to be. And for a moment, I thought I had succeeded. But these past few weeks have been full of confounding feelings. Feelings like a total inability to stop thinking about you. About that kiss. Feelings like dreaming of you when I am asleep and in fact preferring sleep because that is where I might find you. A feeling that is like torture, but one which I cannot, will not, do not want to – give up.

PENELOPE: Please, do not say things you do not mean.

COLIN: But I do mean it. It is everything I have wanted to say to you for weeks. 

PENELOPE: Colin we are friends.

COLIN: Yes we – forgive me. I do not know what I was thinking.

PENELOPE: I would very much like to be more than friends. So much more.

CELEBRANT: Do we have the rings, Gavin?

CELEBRANT: Thank you.

GAVIN: Sorry. I’m sorry, sorry. I’ve got to say something.

PAM: Oh my Christ!

[Congregation gasps]

GAVIN: I don’t –

CELEBRANT: Is everything okay Gavin?

GAVIN: I think you might be making a mistake, and I should have said something before and not just gone along with it and I’m sorry

SONIA: Gavin, what’s going on?

GAVIN: Sonia, I apologise. I just don’t think it’s right. And I’m not the only one who thinks this, there’s a lot of us, isn’t there?

[Silence]

GAVIN: Great, now you’re all silent.

SMITHY: Mate, what you doing?

CELEBRANT: This is highly irregular.

SONIA: Just ignore him, he’s an idiot.

CELEBRANT: No, no I must ask Neil, would you like to continue, given that Gavin…?

SONIA: Yes of course he does, Christ.

SMITHY: Yes, yeah, yes I want to continue.

CELEBRANT: Right, very well.

BRYN: Gavin’s right, Smithy. Are you sure this is what you want?

STACEY: I’m sorry, but I don’t think it’s right for either of you.

PETE: I agree, mate. Till death us do part is a very long time. You have to be absolutely certain.

DAWN: Aw, my Pete.

CELEBRANT: Okay let’s just stay calm, and take a minute, this is certainly a most unusual situation.

SONIA: I can’t believe this.

CELEBRANT: And rather than turning it into a mass of vocal declarations, I would now like to ask the congregation, if you believe Neil and Sonia should not become husband and wife today, could you please stand?

SONIA: What are you doing? Are you insane?

CELEBRANT: Neil and Sonia, would you like some time?

SONIA: Just-just do the bloody vows. I Sonia take you Neil –

SMITHY: Hang on – wait. Mick?

SONIA: Sorry? Am I being pranked? Is this a joke? I mean we’re actually saying he shouldn’t be marrying me? Hello!

AUTOMATED MESSAGE: Horizon helpline, thank you for waiting.

HELPLINE: Hello, how can I help?

JO: Oh, hi, er, it’s Jo Hamliton here from South Warnborough. I’m trying to produce this week’s cash account.

HELPLINE: And what’s the problem?

JO: I know it’s probably me because I’m really rubbish with technology, but I’ve declared my cash, I’ve declared my stock, I’ve done it all three times and I still can’t get it to balance. I hate Wednesdays!

HELPLINE: Hm. And what does Horizon say?

JO: It says I’ve taken two thousand and thirty two pounds sixty-seven more than I think I have.

HELPLINE: Okay. Redeclare your stock holdings. So that will automatically create a discrepancy. Okay? That will have inflated your cash holdings, so now, I want you to reverse that difference.

JO: Right-o.

HELPLINE: So now, if you redeclare everything, it will balance, okay?

JO: This is so helpful, thank you! Don’t go away, stay with me until I’ve done it.

JO: Oh my God – it, it it’s, it’s just doubled right in front of my eyes. Now it says I’m four thousand pounds down.

HELPLINE: It will sort itself out, these things do. In the meantime,

JO: What – I was only doing what you told me,

HELPLINE: In the meantime, you’ll need to make good the loss.

JO: I haven’t got that money – and I don’t know where it’s gone!

HELPLINE: I’m sorry, you are responsible for balancing your account and making good any shortfalls.

[SARAH SCREAMS]

RUPERT: Don’t be shy, darling.

TAGGIE: Your fields are on fire.

[SARAH GASPS]

VOICE OVER: Dancing the Waltz, Chris McCausland and Diane Buswell.

PAUL: Zach has been going round saying we’re mother and son.

[DIANE LAUGHS]

DIANE: Really?

PAUL: How spooky is that?

DIANE: Oh… my God…

PAUL: Mother and son. And you do look like my mum. But you’re not ginger though are you?

DIANE: No, I’m brown but I dye my hair red all the time.

PAUL (to camera): It doesn’t offend me one bit because I think she’s, you know, one of the strongest women that I’ve met – and I really, really like her and she does remind me of my mum.

PAUL: Andrew was like ‘oh, says something about me’ he’s convinced that you and Diane are mother and son

BRIAN: Oh!

DIANE: Well I wouldn’t mind you as my son, I’ll be alright

PAUL: Aw, thank you, and I wouldn’t mind you as my mother either

DIANE: Thank you!

PAUL: I mean, I find it funny and I wanted to say – but I also didn’t want to alienate him and say oh, you know

JOHNNY: That’s what’s tricky isn’t it, because you want to talk about how you feel but you don’t know who’s on your team, essentially

PAUL: Oh, I’m only saying this story by the way as a joke

DIANE: Yeah, yeah, yeah

PAUL: Like it’s one of them

JOHNNY: Hey – stop panicking!

[ALL LAUGH]

DIANE (off camera): I can’t believe that it was suggested that Paul was – erm - my sonDIANE (to camera): I mean he’s about three times taller than me, he’s got red hair, Paul just couldn’t be my son… but Ross is.

DIANE (to Ross): So I have to ask the question – what made you apply for this?

ROSS: Funnily enough my erm – my mum put me up for it actually

ROSS (to camera): So it turns out Diane is my mum – I know.ROSS (to Diane): These lot are all going to come in, in a sec. Do you know what’s gonna be the hardest thing?DIANE: What?

ROSS: I’m going to have to call you Diane.

DIANE: Yep. And none of the other names that you choose to call me sometimes.

ROSS: We won’t get into those names.

DIANE: Diane.

ROSS: Alright Diane?

DIANE: Do you want a coffee?

ROSS: I’d love a little coffee.

DIANE: Here.

ROSS: I thought I’d be slipping up all the time, to be honest with you. You know, we’re a team at the end of the day, we’re going to try and divide and conquer.

DIANE: I think you need to be very careful about voting for people that other people are okay with. Because then you’ll be challenged. Seriously.